Randall Caselman

Bella Vista Church of Christ

March 25, 2001 p.m.

Conflict Resolution

Scripture Reading - Romans 12.9-21

CONFLICT... I hate it... and I believe God hates it.
CONFLICT is a tool of the Devil.
It destroys friendship...
It ruptures relationships...
It ruins our marriages...
Divides families...
Splits churches...
Causes wars...
And just generally make us unhappy.
In spite of these ugly, painful results... Some people seem to thrive on CONFLICT.

Truth is, conflict has been around since the beginning of time.
-It was conflict that destroyed the utopian relationship Adam and Eve had with God
and with their environment in the Garden of Eden.
-It was conflict that lead to the first murder by Cain killing his brother Able.
-It was conflict that divided Abraham and Lot’s families.
-It was conflict that destroyed Israel’s unity giving us what we know as the divided
Kingdom...With all its sorrows.
-It was conflict that placed Jesus on the cross.
-Conflict got Stephen stoned...and James beheaded.
And one day God will end all conflict by the second coming of Jesus.  However... Until that day... We will have to deal with conflict in our own way.

This is our lesson tonight... How to resolve conflicts... How to restore broken relationships...
In our HOMES...
In the CHURCH, and
In our friendship circles.
How to deal with conflict... How to resolve it.

First... We must learn to deal with our own pride.  Human pride is the number one cause of sustained broken relationships.  Pride may not have caused the conflict... But it is pride that sustains it.

Proverbs tells us that pride goes before destruction... And a  haughty spirit before a fall.
The pride I am speaking of tonight is not:
Pride in one’s work,
Pride in one’s family,
Or pride in one’s country.
I am talking about the type of pride that says:
I’ll live my life the way I want to live it.
Pride that refuses to admit fault.
Pride that says, I would rather maintain this conflict than to let others see my failures.
Pride that places all the blame for a conflict on the other person.
Pride that sets two people in their trenches, refusing to take the first step toward peace.

Church, the antithesis of pride is what?... Humility.
Humility is what allows us to graciously give into others,
Even when we are not at fault,
Even when the other party does not deserve it.

Jesus is our example here.  In the upper room... He gave in to the disciples and washed their feet... Even if they didn’t deserve it... How many of the 12 deserved a foot washing by Jesus?

In the Garden... He gave into the will of the father... Not my will but thine be done.

On Golgotha... He gave in to the will of the crowd and let them crucify Him... He could have stopped them!... He could have called ten thousand angels.

On the cross... He gave in to the Roman soldiers saying... Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.

Humility is what allowed the Prodigal Son to return to the father saying... Father forgive me... Make me a servant.

Exercising humility allows us to take a long look inside... So we can see what caused our conflict and what we need to do to mend the broken relationship.  Humility is a gift we rarely ask for.  Do you know why?... Because it usually comes in the form of some very difficult lessons.  My advice is don’t pray for humility unless you’re willing to learn it the hard way.

Listen now to these thoughts from Scripture about humility and our need for such...
·  Jesus said... Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will
 be exalted.
·  Paul admonishes us in Romans, 12.3... Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
·  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
·  James writes... God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
·  Peter says... Be subject to one another... and be clothed with humility.
Humility... Are we willing to clothe ourselves with it?... Church...

-If we are going to resolve the conflicts in our marriages...
-If we are going to heal our ruptured relationships in the church...
-If we’re going to mend our broken hearts,
We must first deal with our pride... and clothe ourselves with Humility.

Secondly... We must learn to process our guilt.
Dr. Bruce Narramore describes guilt as what he calls constructive sorrow.  He says... It is the only reaction to wrong doing that produces lasting change for the right reasons.  We must know tonight that... Constructive sorrow... is what leads us to repentance, a turning away from sin... And then doing what God asks of us.

Listen to Paul as he writes to the church at Corinth about this concept of constructive sorrow... Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it.  Though I did regret it--I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while--yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.  For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us.  Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

We must know tonight that conflict resolution has its beginning in Godly sorrow.

Unresolved guilt can inhibit the restoration of broken relationships.  You see church, when we’re feeling guilty, we need to ask ourselves three questions:
1.  Have I violated a law of God that would lead me to feel this way?
2.  Have I hurt someone by the way I have, or currently are, behaving?
3.  And what can I do to stop this conflict and heal the hurt?
Then take the necessary steps to correct it.

What do we do, when we are guilty of sin and of hurting others?
What does the Bible say about how to process our guilt?

First... admit our sins... to God... and to the one we hurt.
John says... If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  James tells us... Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.  The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

This is the real problem in our relationships today, we are too proud to admit our sins.
Pride is what keeps us from walking church aisles.
Pride is what sustains broken relationships.
We must humble ourselves before God... and the one we have hurt... with confession of our wrong... Are we willing?

Secondly... We must be genuinely sorry for our behavior.
Paul says... Godly sorrow brings about repentance.
·  Being sorry because we got caught is not Godly sorrow.
·  Being sorry just to get what we want is not Godly sorrow.
·  Being sorry just to please and appease our spouse, brother or neighbor is not Godly sorrow--- is not constructive sorrow.

Godly sorrow is dealing with:
Our own conscience...
Our own guilt...
Because of our own convictions.

Too many of us are simply playing the part of a hypocrite.  We say we are sorry just to please and appease another individual.  Guilt is never truly processed in this fashion... And conflicts are never really resolved until repentance occurs.

OK... genuine Godly sorrow results in what?... REPENTANCE!
Guilt is only dealt with in genuine Biblical repentance.
-Repentance is defined as a complete change... a 180 degree turn.
-Repentance is a change of heart that results in a change in behavior toward the injured.
-Repentance means whatever we were doing to displease God and hurt others must be stopped or it is not genuine repentance.
-If we’re lying... STOP... and start telling the truth.
-If we’re having an affair... We must STOP our sexual escapades, both physical and mental and start being sexually faithful to our spouse, both physically and mentally.
-If we’re inconsiderate of others...  Repentance is our becoming considerate.
-If we are critical and judgmental toward others in the family... in the church... or at work, repentance means we stop such and start pointing out the good in others.
-If we are holding a grudge and perpetrating revenge... Repentance means we start thinking good thoughts and performing good deeds for the person in our conflict.

I must add here that genuine New Testament repentance means restitution where restitution is possible... I hope you agree with this.

Zacchaeus... When he repented said... I will sell half of my possessions and give to the poor and will pay back four times the amount, if I have cheated anybody.

Folk... If you have HURT another...  Repentance is not just saying I am sorry and stopping what you have been doing.  Genuine repentance is doing all you can to resolve the conflict AND restore the relationship.

Church, the burden of guilt is lifted only... ONLY... when we deal with the SIN according to God’s formula.

Thirdly tonight... We must get rid of our laziness.  This one may surprise you, but laziness is a real problem in conflict resolution.  Folk, it takes work... serious hard work to heal a broken relationship.  It’s not easy... Don’t let anybody fool you here.

Many marriages fail today... Church splits continue to occur... And families are divided because maintaining a relationship just takes too much work.  In many cases, we are not willing to make the effort.  So, when conflict arises...
We just pull away...
Unplug from the relationship...
And plug into our own personal desires.

A couple of years ago... I was asked to help resolve a conflict between two churches... I tried my best... It didn’t work.  And I am convinced that it didn’t because too many were just not willing to make the effort that it would have taken to put the thing back together.  Let me tell you folk... God does not bless such laziness on our behalf.

It’s true, laziness is an enemy of conflict resolution.  When we refuse to work at resolving our conflicts because of laziness, it is of the devil.  Our Bible has a lot to say about such laziness.  Do you know what our King James Bible word for laziness is?  Slothfulness.

Listen to this bit of scripture from Proverbs 24... I went past the field of the sluggard, past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins.

Does this sound like some of our relationships?  A field, a vineyard overgrown with weeds and thorns, walls that lie in ruins?

Listen now... I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw:  A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest--and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.

In Romans 12.11 Paul admonishes us... To not be slothful... LAZY... But fervent in spirit.  The NIV says... Never be lacking in zeal... but keep your spiritual fervor... Serving the Lord.

Know this tonight... God is against laziness.  Too many of our relationships are:
Broken down,
Filled with weeds,
Lie in ruins,
Because we are simply too lazy to fix them.

Here is another point about laziness... LOVE is not something that just naturally occurs.
Love is a WORK... Love is a verb... Love is something we do... and without love, conflicts will never be resolved... RIGHT?

If you don’t believe me read First Corinthians 13 again.  This familiar scripture needs to be reread... Listen...
Love is patient,
Love is kind.
Love does not envy,
Love does not boast,
Love is not proud.
Love is not rude,
Love is not self-seeking,
Love is not easily angered,
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

Maintaining genuine love Sounds like work to me... How about you?

Have you ever noticed how that lazy people simply drift from one shallow relationship to another because....
They are never willing to put the:
Time,
Energy,
Money, and
Effort,
Into resolving conflicts... Into loving others.

Church... What a shame for some of us... We are going to get to the end of life and look back to only to realize that we’re never close to...
Our mate...
Our children...
Our grandchildren...
The church...
Or friends,
Because we were just too lazy to love.  What a regret... What a regret.
I don’t know about you... But I don’t need that kind of remorse... Not now... Not ever!

Number four... Fear maintains many conflicts.
Many people know they need to resolve their conflicts and heal their ruptured relationships, and often they even know HOW to do it, but they lack the courage to confront some real or perceived threat.  So they avoid dealing with the issue, deciding instead to remain in conflict... In a ruptured relationship... They remain unhappy... Rather than resolve the problem.

I suggest that there are four different fears that prevent us from resolving our conflicts...

1.  The fear of failure.
Wanting to avoid another failure is a real stumbling block to our trying one more time to resolve the conflict and heal our broken relationships.  People who live with a fear of relationship failure often develop a life-style involving a minimal amount of interaction with others... Including family and church circles.  They live lives of boredom and end up dying on the vine of mediocrity.  Believing all along that nothing ventured... nothing lost.  But the sad truth is also nothing gained... For them life is indeed sad... Because God created us for relationships..

2.  The fear of rejection.
Sometimes it seems easier to live in conflict... Or with a broken relationship than to suffer the pain of rejection again.  Some have been hurt so many times that they decide not to love again in fear of rejection.  Don’t do that!  God made us for relationships, and His desire is that we do all we can to cultivate them.  Paul in Romans 12.18 says, If it is possible... As far as it depends on you... Live at peace with everyone.  Church, good relationships are worth trying again... And again... And again... Even if it means another rejection.

3.  The fear of intimacy.
I’m not talking about sexual intimacy here... I am speaking of emotional intimacy.  In sexual intimacy, two bodies can meet as strangers and walk away as strangers.  On the other hand... emotional intimacy takes work and commitment.  What we fear here is that others may find out who and what we really are.  In genuine relationships we become vulnerable.  We don’t like that... In fact we fear that.  But it is necessary for meaningful relationships and to avoid or to resolve conflicts.  Genuine... Meaningful... Fulfilling relationships demand we open up to others.

4.  Then there is the fear of success.
Successfully conflict resolution brings on MORE and MORE responsibilities.  Success brings on new and different challenges.  Success demands change.  Some of us fear this, choosing rather to remain in some sort of comfort zone even in the midst of conflict and broken heart.

Whether we struggle with the fear of...
Failure...
Rejection...
Intimacy...
Success...
We can gain a true sense of encouragement by recognizing that God doesn’t intend for us to be caught and held in the grip of fear.  Paul tells us that... God did not give us a spirit of fear... Of Timidity... But a spirit of power... of Love... and self-discipline.

Well... How are our relationships tonight?
How are our relationships with spouse... family... church... and others?
Are there some things that need correcting?
How about our relationship with God?
Tonight... You can become His child by Faith... Repentance... and New Testament baptism.

Or perhaps we just need to make some things right with Him...  Or resolve some conflict with another?  If you need to make some corrections, heal some broken relationships, do it now as we stand and sing this invitation song.

Will you come!!