Affair Proof Marriages
Randall Caselman
7/2/97
Affair Proof Marriages
On a dark rainy night, if you saw a sign,
detour-bridge out head, would you resent the sign or be thankful for it?
Thou shalt not commit adultery is such a sign.
God created sex for our enjoyment, but for it to be a blessing instead of a curse, He placed it within the context, the limits of marriage. Going beyond the limits, ignoring the warning signs in sexual relationships is the curse of our generation. It has led us to marital bankruptcy.
All of God’s gifts have limitations. Water is a great blessing. Life would be impossible without it, but misuse or abuse it and we drown. Fire is a gift, but we better not abuse it. God’s warning signs are for our good.
His commands are not burdensome.
We live in a society that not only accepts having affairs, but encourages them. Television is filled with premarital and extramarital sex. The entertainment media has little or no morals because they have little or no convictions.
Jesus plainly taught that adultery is sin. God didn’t create us to have affairs, but to be faithful to our spouse. God created man and woman, then placed them together in family. This is where we find our fulfillment, completeness. It is in family that life is enriched and blessed. What are some things we can do to affair proof our marriages?
Make a commitment to live by God’s standards. David asked
How can a young man keep his way pure? The answer is to live according to cultural standards. Right? Wrong! By living according to God's word. When tempted by Potiphar’s wife, Joseph replied,
I will not sin against God.
Don’t compare your marriage to others. Comparing ourselves to others always leads to coveting, lusting after our neighbor’s wife, house, cars, job etc. This is a violation of the last commandment from Sinai,
Thou shalt not covet.
Meet the needs of your spouse exclusively.
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. Men, we have a duty to our wives. Ladies, you have a duty to your husband. Our marriages cannot grow unless and until we meet one another’s needs. If we’re going to have strong marriages, we must understand that her needs are not his needs and vise versa Paul admonishes, meet, fulfill one another’s needs, not our own. Let me challenge you to ask your spouse,
what are your needs? Then pay close attention to what they say. Just try it!
Become the best of friends. It’s easy to leave a lover. It’s tough to leave a best friend. Let me give you five ways to become the best friend of your spouse. Time. Time. Time. Time. Time. People get to be best friends by spending time together. Many affairs occur because we spend more time with others than with our spouse.
Avoid sexual fantasies. Control your mind! Sexual sins, like all others, begin in thought. We don’t fall into immorality, we think ourselves into it! James says,
But each is tempted when, by his own lust, his own evil desires, he is drawn away and enticed. Jesus said,
The man who looks on a woman to lust after her has committed adultery (has had an affair with her) already in his heart. Mental adultery is a sin.
Never become emotionally involved with the opposite sex. Never look to one of the opposite sex for emotional support, comfort, understanding and sympathy. Emotional adultery, like mental adultery, leads to the physical act. Several years ago, in a counseling situation, a lady told me,
I have found a man who is so supportive of me. He is understanding, supportive, sympathetic. He is all the things I never found in my husband. He has never touched me, but if he does, I’m a goner. We must look to our spouse for emotional support.
Watch your dress. Modesty should be the goal of every Christian. Sensuous dress sends a message that we are open to sexual possibilities. Some dress sensuously because they want to send that message. Others are just naive. I know a woman who was super-critical of another for her dress, saying she was sending the wrong message. The next day I saw her at the post office in pants that looked as if she had been melted and poured into them. We must be careful of the message we send, intentionally or unintentionally. A good rule of thumb for Christian women is ask your spouse. This certainly applies to men also.
Watch your relationship with others. Recent studies have shown that most affairs occur between close friends, coworkers, family members. Here are some suggestions: Never talk about your marital problems with the opposite sex. Never go fishing for compliments. Never be lavish with your compliments. Be aware of electricity between you and others. Avoid the extended look, the lingering touch. Paul tells us,
there is not to be even the hint of sexual immorality.
Minimize the opportunities. Don’t place yourself in situations where you’ll be tempted; not mentally, not emotionally, not physically.
Don’t be misled, evil communications (evil companions) corrupt good character.
Begin your own affair at home. Renew the intimacy with your spouse. Become aware of his or her needs and work to fulfill them. Spend time together doing things you both enjoy. Send flowers. Take a weekend together. Leave the children with others . Ask God to refresh the relationship. A recent survey among Christians who had had an affair revealed these common activities: They were not reading their Bible daily. They felt no accountability to the church. They thought it could never happen to them.
May God richly bless our marriages with renewed intimacy.
—Randall Caselman
